Pensative,

Don't you hate when you have a lot of time to yourself and you just start thinking shit, even if you think you're feeling sorry for yourself? I hate the feeling when you think your world is like crumbling down on you. I don't expect myself to be perfect but why can't I even get near to at least MY meaning of perfection.. People. What people think and say always interfere as when I'm close to feeling okay with myself. Even when people say "I don't care what people think of me". I think deep down maybe even just a little they do care. I don't like it when people front, so I don't, I know I'm not happy with myself, maybe not at all. I don't know. I love being happy and an energetic person but then there's these times when I can't control my thoughts and I think "shit.." I could be doing all these other things if I was a whole entire different person. I would never want to change anything about myself. I always say that when people think of surgery and stuff and I do believe in that but I just wish that magically I could.. Why is life sooooo fucken hard, fckkk. IDK I'm just venting I guess. I can't even being to start w/ the whole friends issue. I don't have a bff I guess that's not bad right? I mean I've always have, but idk if I can consider anyone my bff anymore. I do consider this 1 person my bff but it's hard to think of them that way when your not sure if they do. It bites sometimes but you learn to get over it, I guess. Some things I'd feel to stupid to even say...so I'll keep it to myself. I hope tmrw is a good day, yay Aubrey's bday (=.